I suck at Lent

I don’t know about you, but usually around this time in the Lenten season I feel really bad because I totally suck at Lent.  During the rest of the year I do a fair job with my daily prayer, giving my time, talent and treasure. Maybe I’m just being hard on myself but by week two of Lent I realize how much I’m failing. This year I really thought hard about what I should “give up” for Lent, we all sat at the dining table on Ash Wednesday and decided what each of us would do. We decided as a family to give up pizza, something that we all enjoy a little too often in our house. The kids gave up the usual treats, video games, and I agreed but I still was thinking on something that was a real challenge for me. My husband begged me not to give up caffeine (something I’ve done in the past that obviously didn’t go well) and I begged my daughter not to give up meat (something she’s done in the past that was more penance for me than for her). After the kids went to bed I sat and thought about it some more and then I knew what I needed to give up; I was going to give up an hour of sleep each day. Anyone that knows me could affirm the fact that I’m not a morning person. I planned on waking each morning by 6:00 to spend the hour before the kids got up to read scripture and pray.  The next day my husband woke me up at 5:00am because his back went out and he needed help getting up to go to the bathroom. The rest of the day involved me taking him to the appointments and playing nurse. The following day wasn’t much better and I was up again at 1am with my teething toddler that wouldn’t go back to sleep. Needless to say I was exhausted. This is how it’s been for me the since Ash Wednesday, sleepless nights which result in me sleeping through my alarm. In a way I’m still giving up sleep but I can’t help the feelings of failure. I guess that’s the whole point of Lent, to show us how much we really need God’s mercy. I didn’t come to this conclusion until I saw Father Mike Schmitz’s video about why we fast. Fasting is about just saying “yes” to the Holy Spirit, to ask for help when we are struggling and to use the suffering that we experience to go deeper into our prayers. Yesterday I read a prayer that really helped drive the message in deeper:

Disturb us O Lord when we are too well pleased with ourselves, when our dreams have come true because we dreamed to little, when we arrived safely because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us O Lord, when with the abundance of things we possess we have lost our thirst for the waters of life; having fallen in love with life, we have ceased to dream of eternity. And in our efforts to build a new earth, we have allowed our vision of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, O Lord, to dare more boldly, to venture on wider seas where storms will show your mastery; where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars.

We ask you to push back the horizons of our hopes; and to push us in the future in strength, courage, hope and love.

Sir Francis Drake wrote this in 1577 before he set out to be the first man to circumnavigate the world and yet it is so true even in modern times. We all have so much and have let materialism (the glamour of evil) take hold of us and distract us from the ultimate treasure, eternal life in heaven. We get comfortable with everyday routine and we forget that it’s in the disturbances that we grow in our faith.  If you are looking to go deeper this Lent please know that it is not too late, I’ll list a few links below with options that friends of mine are participating in and I pray that you are challenged this Lent just as I am because it is in the struggles of life that we are a true witness to God’s beautiful mercy!

 

Dynamic Catholic – Best Lent Ever “Don’t give up chocolate this Lent”

Danielle Bean author of Momnipotent – Daily emails and inspirations.

Ascension Press – Great videos by Father Mike Schmitzs explain the Catholic teachings in a way everyone can understand.

 

 

Feeling Embarrassed

“We get embarrassed that our clothes are last year’s fashion, that our vehicle costs less than the neighbor’s, or that our house is smaller than our guest’s. We apologize for the worn carpet, make excuses for the outdated kitchen, or point out specifically why we haven’t updated the counter tops yet but what would happen if we stopped getting embarrassed over the wrong things and started pursuing the right things?” Joshua Becker – Becoming Minimalist

This morning as I lay in bed I was looking at the pile of laundry that has been growing on my bedroom floor since the week before Christmas. I picked up my phone and started to flip through my Facebook feed when I came across a post from Becoming Minimalist that got me thinking about some things. I don’t always pick up my phone right away in the morning but I didn’t sleep well and I was feeling warm all snuggled up. With all of the preparations there are for the holidays I had neglected some of my usual tasks, such as taking care of my own laundry. There was a mix of some clean, some dirty, underneath hid a basket of mismatched socks and random items.  Anytime someone came over I made quick to shut my bedroom door because I was embarrassed that someone would see my mess as they went to use the bathroom which is right across the hall.  I haven’t had time to take care of my pile, everyday presented other tasks that didn’t require me to stay closed into my room but that true fact was I didn’t want to take care of it. I have been procrastinating to say the very least.

Usually after Christmas comes and goes I feel a great sense to purge. Maybe it’s because it feels good to put things back in there place and get rid of the things that don’t belong or maybe it’s because with all the new gifts from Christmas I realize we have too much stuff.  This year, as I look at my huge pile of clothes, my basement that is overflowing with stuff, my kitchen cupboards that hardly close I am feeling a major sense to purge.  I’ve been working a lot on my spiritual life and purging the things that don’t fill me spiritually. I don’t watch television, I’ve changed the types of movies that I watch, music that I listen to, people that I spend my time with but I feel God calling me to do more.  Could this be it?

I admit, I wanted to race right over to Herberger’s after Christmas for the great door buster deals, but then I looked at my growing pile of clothes and realized that I didn’t NEED anything. I wanted to buy some new boots, a few new tops to wear this winter and maybe a pair of jeans. Joshua Becker wrote about being embarrassed over the wrong things.  How embarrassed I felt when I realized that I wanted more when I already have too much. How embarrassed I felt when I thought of those that may not have enough warm clothes to wear let alone a pair of fashionable boots that will keep me warm and make me feel cute. “ What if, instead of being embarrassed over the quality and quantity of our possessions, we became embarrassed over how much money we have spent on our own selfish pursuits?” This sentence struck a chord in me but I got up, out of my warm and cozy bed to make breakfast for the babes. I thought about this while I made eggs and emptied the dishwasher. I thought about how I really needed to start just giving things away. Then I sat down to read Molly her devotion for the day and this is what I read.

“I will bless you with incredible blessings. Genesis 22:17. Have you ever begged your mom or dad to buy you something at the store? Sometimes we think we need more than what we have. But God really has given us all kinds of wonderful things. We have families who love us, friends to play with, food to eat and houses to keep us safe and warm. And we have Jesus in the Eucharist. That’s a lot to be happy about!” – Blessings Everyday

God speaks to me, all the time! Most of the time it sounds like Bumblebee from Transformers, all broken up and from different places but He speaks. I spend so much time putting things away, it is ridiculous. Time that I could be writing, time that I could be playing with my kids, time that could be spent reading meaningful books or in prayer. How could I ignore this message that is so very clear? We all have so much, couldn’t we give some of it up to those who may actually NEED it? What is God calling you to do? Could it be that unexplained desire to go to confession or the unexplained thought you had about spending time in adoration? Those thoughts that pop up and don’t go away are God. When you read something that really hits home, do something about it because that is God calling you to do more.

Update: I donated 2 garbage bags full of just my clothes and have 3 more downstairs of the kids’ clothes to give to friends!

Business As Usual

Life has been so busy lately! I don’t know if it’s just me but August this summer has flown by in almost an instant. We’ve been super busy with work at the ballroom, the kids have been busy with summer activities, family has been visiting from California and I feel the time is just racing by. Maybe it’s because I’m constantly planning for the next month/months ahead but I just want to slow down for a few days. I have a lot of book work to catch up on but I just want to do my laundry. Yes… I WANT TO DO MY LAUNDRY! Change the sheets, put my clothes away, take some time to read and pray. I’ve been enjoying my time at adoration and I feel like I just want to go to church ALL the time. It’s crazy, the closer I feel to Jesus the more time I want to spend with Him. I tried explaining this to my 13 year old the other day but he just looked at me like I was insane but the truth is my heart is on fire for Jesus Christ! I feel like I’m 14 again and have my first boyfriend. I just want to talk to Him all the time, spend time with Him, think about Him. It’s not exactly like having a new boyfriend, that would be a little weird but that’s the closest thing I can relate it too. The more time I spend with the Eucharist the more I can feel the will of God, life events are making more sense to me, I actually feel God’s love for me and I’m becoming more childlike in my trust for Him. I have a lot more to say about some events that have happened in the recent month concerning St. Therese but I’m still trying to sort it all out. Life has been really awesome lately despite being super busy. I am so greatly BLESSED and I just want everyone to know that it’s all because of God!

ISO: A Friend

ISO: A Friend

Female, age 31 in search of a true friend. Someone to have coffee with and go shopping on occasion. Someone with a “different” sense of humor that likes action movies. Must be honest, trustworthy and have a positive attitude. Must like kids and beer.

I often struggle with relationships. Perhaps it’s a character flaw or maybe just a personality trait but I’ve never had a lot of lasting friendships. When I was growing up I got along with everyone, played kickball with the boys and jump rope with the girls. I preferred playing with the boys actually, they were less dramatic, but as I got older this became a problem and I seemed to have alienated myself somehow from the girls and the boys, well their hormones started kicking in. Middle school was a nightmare. I switched schools and didn’t know many people so I hopped from group to group trying to find where I fit in. Being in Band and having headgear made me less than desirable amongst most middle school girls and I was a little weird so that didn’t help me either.

Once I started high school I was suffering with my emotions, trying to deal with a crazy mother and the loss of my rock, my grandfather. I went into a dark place and most of my friends didn’t understand, what 14 year old does? Needless to say, I alienated myself again and became the quiet loner. I had my pals in band, they were fun in class but I never bonded with anyone closely. Then there was Rebecca, we met in one of our classes, maybe math now that I think of it. We became really great friends. We liked things that other people didn’t understand. We hung out, listened to Blink182 and dreamed about all the tattoos that we would get when we turned 18. We were great friends, shared everything with each other, supported one another. Then graduation came and my parents snatched me up and moved us to another town, hours away. Rebecca and I lost contact eventually and our once strong friendship fizzled into the atmosphere.

As an adult, I have not made any lasting connections with anyone other than my husband. He is my best friend and the only one that I have to talk to about life. I look at women my age that have these groups of friends, women that they can hang out with, go on trips with, have coffee or an occasional beer with to talk about life and lift each other up. For so long I convinced myself that I didn’t need that in my life, that I was self-reliant and I could entertain myself. Well I was wrong, it sucks being alone!

Lately I feel God calling me to work on my relationships.  I would love to have a true friend, just one. Someone that I could go shopping with, that is positive and fun to be around. Someone that encourages me, supports me and I would do the same for her. Someone that likes the things I like, someone to take girl weekends with and talk to on the phone once in a while. Truth be told I’m a little envious of the groups of lady friends because I don’t know what that’s like, to be loved and cared for by a person that doesn’t expect to have sex at the end of the night (no offense babe). So if you are out there and you’re truly looking for a friend, a sister from another mister, give me a shout because I could really use someone in my life that wants to be my friend.

Candida what?

Shortly after I stated my plan for waking up at 5:30 every morning I had a visit with my midwife. It was my yearly lady physical and when I showed her the rash on my arms she suggested that I had a problem with yeast overgrowth. I told her that my chiropractor had mentioned the same thing a few weeks earlier and so she recommended I started a Candida Diet for a while until I get my yeast under control.  It has been a nightmare. I did what I do best and started researching this diet and began eating the prescribed items. Which is basically just vegetables. Then I began agonizing over all of the things that I couldn’t eat! I’m trying to have a better attitude but it has been nothing short of torture. Getting up early was not going to be an option for a while.

“It is easier to change a man’s religion than to change his diet.” -Margaret Mead

I don’t know if it’s only a man thing because take away this woman’s chocolate and someone might get hurt. No dairy, no bread, no pasta, no beer, no sweets…pretty much everything that I eat on a typical day is no longer okay for me to have. I like vegetables and I’ve been telling myself that I need to adopt better eating habits. The funny thing about God is when you ask for something He gives it to you even if that means an overgrowth of yeast in your body.

It has been a few months now since I’ve started this Candida Diet, I do allow myself to eat treats occasionally otherwise I end up binging and feeling like crap for about four days. I have noticed a difference, especially when I eat something that I shouldn’t have. Today for example I ate two hot dogs from the gas station, nine hours later and I’m still feeling like crap. I wish I could just throw up and start over but I can’t and now I have to wait this yucky feeling out until tomorrow. Feeling like crap is motivation in itself to eat better.

I know that I have a long way to go because I still have cravings. What I have learned is that when you are having a craving, that craving is your body’s way of telling you that you need something. Have you ever craved a banana? That means you need potassium. Have you ever craved steak? You need iron. When you have a candida overgrowth the yeast craves sugar in a bad way. The sugar feeds the yeast and the cycle goes on and on. Add some stress to the mix, a few doses of antibiotics and now you have an overgrowth of candida yeast.  Then once you start starving the candida you get these horrible “die off” symptoms that make you want to just give up and eat the cupcake. The symptoms that I have felt are fatigue, nausea, body aches, headaches, moodiness, pretty much feeling like shit bad all the time until the yeast dies off. There is a little more to it but that sums it up.

I’ve have found a few different sources of information on the subject but I’ve found the book titled The Candida Cure by Ann Boroch to be the most helpful, along with www.thecandidadiet.com. Also, for some food inspiration (because you can only eat so much chicken, rice and veg) I’ve been following different hashtags on my Instagram account, check out #candidadiet, #candida, #plantbased.

On a different note, anyone who may be following this blog can find me now at www.ismomhome.com. I’m trying to step up my game a little bit and try out this self hosting business. Hopefully everything switches over but I’m not quite sure how to get all of my posts transferred. So far I’ve learned everything by watching videos on YouTube and I really haven’t had much luck in this department!

5:48AM

5:08AM. Molly wakes up to eat. “OMGoodness, I have to get up in like 20 minutes, ugggh”. I plop her on and let her eat while I drift back into slumber for the few more minutes that I can. My bed is so warm, the house is so quiet, I’M SO TIRED.

5:48AM. After pushing the snooze button on my phone for the third time I come to the conclusion that, yes, I really do need to do this now. But it’s so cold and I’M SO TIRED.
“Get up, get up, get up, get out of bed Tiffany, just get up… OK I’ll get up already!”

I lay Molly back in her crib and cover her with her fuzzy warm blanket.

I drag my sorry but down the hall and into the kitchen to start myself a pot of coffee. It couldn’t possibly brew any slower but I did it. I’m awake before 6AM and I’m out of bed. So it’s 30 minutes later that I had hoped for but baby steps, right?

So, now that I’m awake, where am I going to start? Maybe the leaning pile of papers on my desk? Maybe I’ll read? Maybe… I’ll just enjoy sitting in my office, drinking my coffee and enjoying the silence while it lasts…yup that sounds good.

Motivation

I am not a morning person. I’ve never been a morning person, my (older) kids learned at a very young age how to make themselves a bowl of cereal and turn on cartoons so that mommy could sleep a little longer. Well we no longer have cable and we have four children, so cereal and cartoons are not really an option anymore. I have been saying to myself that I need to just get out of bed and get my day rolling much earlier. When I get up earlier I feel like I have more time to get myself going before the kids rise and all hell breaks loose. Most days I feel like I fall out of bed and then I’m falling behind all day long. Maybe this is why my motivation levels have been way down.

This morning was no different than any other Monday, I wake up, lay in bed as my mind is telling me “just get up dummy, you can do it, get up, take a shower before everyone else starts waking up and needing something from you”. But I didn’t get up, I lay in bed trying to get just a few more minutes in.

Finally I get up because little man is looking for underpants, look at the clock and realize it’s go time and I need to get him off to daycare before the phone starts ringing. I rush out the door in my pajamas, with my wild morning hair and get him to daycare before 9:30. Once I get back home my plan was to take a shower and get ready for the day. As I write this I am still in my pajamas. I attempted at making myself some breakfast but between the baby trying to eat, the phone ringing and sick kids down the hall I finally managed to make some juice and a peanut butter sandwich. This is my life, every day I’m rushing around trying to get everything done and nothing seems to quite go right.

I need to get up earlier!

As an effort of procrastination (something I’m really good at doing) I went on to zen habits habits. I found something about motivation and read that a good way at motivating yourself is to publicly announce that you’ll be doing something to keep you accountable. So here it goes…

I will get up, out of bed by 5:30 am every day for the next 2 weeks!

Valuable Lesson

I just got a phone call from our “computer guy” and it’s not good news. We had an external hard drive, something that I was putting all of our digital images on thinking that I was doing the right thing by taking them off the memory card and putting them in a safer place so as to not get lost. Well… that was a horrible mistake. Apparently an external hard drive is not the safest place for your photos, especially if that external hard drive gets bumped or damaged in any way. The valuable lesson that I learned isn’t necessarily not to put photos on an external hard drive but to actually do something with those photos. I haven’t really printed any pictures off in about 3 years. Maybe I was waiting for the time to become available for me to sit down and print out only the ones that I want. That time never presented itself and now I have no pictures of my home birth. I have no pictures from last Christmas or of Avery’s first communion. There are no more images from the last two years of birthday parties or summers at the lake.

I had listened to a podcast the other day about accountability which is really hitting home right about now. It talked about how everything that happens in your life (good things or bad) you are accountable for, you made them happen. The thoughts and actions that you have put out in the universe you have to be accountable for. I have been telling myself this for the past few days, especially when I dented my van because I was in a hurry; yup I made that happen by not being patient and by not being totally prepared. When my 4 year old misbehaves (because he typically gets everything he wants) and acts like an a-hole when he doesn’t, yup I made that happen too. It’s like when I make an effort to understand and ask God to help me to understand what it means to have accountability in my life he throws me this fast ball. Losing all of my images because I am not more organized really feels like a sucker punch to the gut. All the time I’ve wasted on Pinterest I could have been editing my images, making photos books, or at the very list printing off my photos off at Wal-Mart. I do feel like I could just puke all over my keyboard right now.

So what have I learned from all of this? 1) There is never enough time to get everything done perfectly, but perfect sucks! Perfect sucks because right now I have less pictures of my kids because I didn’t have time to make them perfect. 2) Print off your f-ing pictures, right away, as soon as your event is done because weeks, months, years may go by and you’ll end up losing them. 3) Pull yourself together Tiffany! It’s time to get more organized, do something every day to get closer to a manageable level of organization because this fly by the seat of your pants everyday routine sucks. 4) Thanks God for iPhones and Instagram!

Victory!

Today I did it, I put on my skinny jeans and they zipped AND buttoned! I did a little victory dance in the bathroom and continued with my morning. It isn’t a great surprise to me because I was able to fit back into my pre pregnancy clothes all around the two week marker. I didn’t mentioned all of the goodness spilling out of my jeans and they are not by any means comfortable but they fit! I feel like that is a step in the right direction.

I’ve been doing a few exercises (only recommended by my midwife) and trying to get my back strong again by doing some of the physical therapy exercises given by my chiropractor. I’m anxious to start working out but I’m so tired that I don’t think it is a good idea at this point. I have a post pregnancy yoga workout that I will probably start doing in the next few days. I’m really excited and motivated to get back into shape!

After I had Willie it took me a long time to get back into working out regularly and I never felt like I got into shape. Sure I lost the weight fairly easily but I never had that defined body that I wanted. Eating habits had a lot to do with it and we were really focused on our business development at the time. Will and I both gained a bit of weight during the first few years of owning our business. Now I feel like I am comfortable with my contributions at the ballroom and better able to juggle things at home.

I have an appointment with my midwife next week and I’m hoping she will give me a thumbs up to begin a workout routine!

Dear Teenage Me

I’ve been thinking about starting a series for my blog titled Dear…   where I would write a letter to someone in my life. I would write about the things that I want to tell them but may not necessarily be able to actually say. I got the idea after I wrote Dear Baby the other day and then when I went on the Nesting Place today it sort of made my decision for me. Sometimes you get little signs in life and you just have to trust that they will take you the right direction.

Since I’ve turned 30 and my 10 year reunion was just a few years ago I’ve been thinking a lot about high school. We had a girl living with us last year while she finished her senior year and it really hit home for me. Dealing with family, learning who you are, becoming a woman but still being a child. There is a lot to process in those few years, writing this letter sort of lets me put some closure on my past.

Anyway, Emily at Chatting at the Sky started a link up party for letters to your teenaged self, check it out if you’re interested!

Dear Teenage Me,

Being a teenager is tough, you have all these hormones that you don’t understand, self-esteem issues that you don’t understand, a crazy mother that you don’t understand and you just lost the most important person in your life.  Plus all of your friends are going through similar changes and they don’t understand either. Life is not so black and white, learn to look past the issue in front of your face and try to see the whole picture, it will make things a lot easier.

Don’t make fun of people. It’s not cool or funny to pick on other peoples insecurities and the only reason that you do it is to hide your own insecurities. Work on yourself rather than put other people down. Being kind to others can only bring good to your life.

Your mother is crazy, really, she’s crazy and it’s not just you. Don’t try to hurt yourself to get back at her, don’t put yourself down because she can’t cope with her own flaws. You will get past these next few years and you will learn that you are not her (no matter how many people tell you how much you look alike).  Find a good counselor, someone that you can talk to and get the crap out, your stomach will feel better and the headaches will go away.

Trust in God. I know that’s hard to swallow right now, especially since grandpa died and he was the only one that seemed to get you. Find some faith, the sooner you do and the sooner that you trust in Him the easier life will be. Ok, maybe life won’t get easier but it can be a lot less stressful. Life will not go as you expect but if you have faith and let God guide your path you will be pleasantly surprised.

Don’t stop writing. You are good, you have a lot of potential and you really love it. Keep at it and you will only get better, who knows you could be a writer someday.  It’s not a worthless career choice, you don’t need to just get a mindless job to pay the bills and as a result be unhappy for the rest of your life. You have talent don’t waste it.

Don’t drop out of band your senior year. This is supposed to be the best year of your high school life; you’ll only regret dropping out of band. Keep practicing and join a college band after you graduate. You have worked so hard, music is an incredible gift that you don’t want to just throw away because you are so stuck in a depression that nothing seems to matter.

Don’t be afraid to try new things, living in fear will only hold you back from the exciting life that you deserve to have. Get tattoos, try new things, meet new people, sing, travel, and don’t fear doing things because of what family members might say. They are stuck in their ways and that is not you. By the way, you will join the Army and kick ass doing it despite what your family members may have told you.

Be yourself and most importantly love yourself!

Love,

Tiffany

A little more mature but not quite grown up.