“I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.” – Philippians 4:11-13 (MSG)
Today I’m a mess. It is 11:27 am as I write this and I am sitting in my pajamas. I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet. I’ve eaten animal crackers and several cups of Lipton tea but nothing of any substance because I just can’t pull myself together enough to even think of what I want to eat let alone prepare it for myself. The kids had animal crackers and eventually eggs for breakfast. I can’t focus. My husband came home from an appointment and his natural reaction was to try to fix the problem. He throws out suggestion after suggestion and finally I tell him that he doesn’t need to fix this for me, I’m just having an off day. He thinks that because he’s my husband that it’s his job to make me happy. I quickly correct him and say that he’s foolish because he can’t possibly make me happy ALL the time. I tell him that I’m not un-happy, I’m just having an off day.
As I’m rocking baby George to sleep, praying that he will actually fall asleep and stay asleep, I read a short story from a book I just bought. It’s about finding contentment and being happy despite the mess and tears of being a mom. Then it really sinks in, I am truly happy. Despite the lack of sleep, the dirty dishes, the smell of poop coming from my bathroom I AM HAPPY. I’ve struggled with depression for many years and I can finally say that I am happy.
I can laugh at myself. I can find joy in the struggle. I can see beauty past the darkness. I can enjoy a beautiful fall day at a pumpkin patch with my family even though I’m exhausted, fighting a cold and would be perfectly content just going to sleep. It’s through God alone that this has happened and I am glad. Does this mean that my life is perfect? No, but I don’t need it to be perfect anymore. God doesn’t expect me to be perfect and when I have off day’s like today I know that everything will be ok because what I don’t do today will be waiting for me tomorrow. So for now I’m fine with being a mess, in fact I’m quite happy to be a mess because the messy house means I have children that are happy and safe, the dirty dishes means I have plenty of food to keep me going, the lack of sleep will eventually balance itself out and I will be happy that I spent the day in my pajamas, eating animal crackers and playing dress up with my Molly. Now I’m going to crack open a can of soup and rock baby George back to sleep while it simmers on the stove.