Saturday afternoon hockey practice (which I almost forgot about) is a bit of a challenge getting to on time. I was nursing the baby when I looked at my phone to see the time. Luckily Avery mentioned something about hockey and it was like a light went off in my brain. I had 15 minutes to feed the baby and get William to practice. Couldn’t find any sweatpants, I sent my oldest downstairs to grab some out of the dirty laundry. His “hurry up” and mine are obviously completely different definitions. I was yelling at the kids to help and suffering through nursing Molly (who has a shallow latch, incredibly painful). Thank goodness I decided to stop a subway on my way home from the bank because I was starving and becoming more crabby. On my way out the door I stopped to see my husband so Willy could say “hi” before practice. Will is so excited to have his boy playing hockey but often has to miss practice because of our work schedule. So, as we are saying goodby, with 10 minutes to spare, my husband says something that just set me off.
Juggling 3 kids, a newborn, a husband, work and home is proving to be much more difficult than I had expected. Granted it has only been a week but I’m beginning to feel the pressure. I could have cried, the tears were there waiting to come out but I avoided it and just took some deep breaths and told myself to calm down. I feel like I’m constantly running this inner monologue, telling myself to calm down, it will be ok, they are kids, they are going to make mistakes and not listen from time to time. I need to really focus on being the mom I want to be and stop expecting so much from them.
“It takes a village to raise children”. I don’t know where this quote originated or who said it but I never really bought into it until recent years. I don’t have parents that live close by or who I can handle to be around for more than a few days. I don’t have relatives that come over to help out at the house so I can rest, but they continue to tell me to take it easy. I really envy those moms who have a solid support network because I don’t have that and don’t think that I will because Im not one to ask for help. So I continue to do my best because that is all that I can do. When people ask me why I’m at hockey practice when my baby is only days old I want to scream inside but outwardly I just smile and say “I do what I have to do”. I’m exhausted, crabby, my back hurts, my nipples feel like they’re going to fall off but I’m doing it anyway and trying to stay positive.